Who Even Am I?
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Who Even Am I?
I miss being around my people...
You find things to live for.
To look forward to... it’s necessary.
Living thru multiple suicide attempts... it’s very necessary to find a way to still love the little things.
The bird you never noticed that hops on your window sill, the way the light shines thru the curtain that looks like a whispering angel...
You find things to make the pain not suck so bad.
It still hurts, it’s going to.
Being abandoned by “loved ones and friends” is going to hurt...
We need to not hate the ones who left us...
but appreciate the ones who remain. Make memories...
I feel like when I got hurt, I became no longer useful.
I was no longer strong.
No longer me.
I completely understand the missing of past self... it’s horrible.
I have fractional memories now of who I used to be...
I see the pictures, I have the memories, but I don’t remember
Or I don’t know the person in the photo/mirror.
It’s a stranger in my clothes...
Wearing my smile...
With my friends, but I don’t know him.
Even though it’s only been 4 years since my accident and onset of CRPS2...
It feels like this has been my whole life and everything else was a dream.
A cruel dream that I no longer believe to have happened...
I have had to cut out toxic family members and “friends” who just don’t get it...
they can’t understand... they don’t or won’t.
They see me and they’re like, “you’re fine” and get upset when I cancel because of the pain.
Or because it’s an off day, so the invitations stopped.
The phone calls stopped.
The texts “just because” stopped...
They see me smile and stuff on 30second tiktok videos and think there’s nothing wrong...
They think: “if you can do that, why can’t you (insert activity)”
I can’t work because my body cannot keep a schedule.
I’ll take a step, and in my head, everything happened as it should, but in reality, my leg never moved and now I’m collapsed on the floor.
Or I’ll take a step, physically feel my leg move, but it crumbles under my weight, unable to support it.
It’s almost like I have to live my life hour by hour, because what worked “ok” just then...
-In the next few minutes, doesn’t work as it should.
I try to stay as independent as I can, I don’t like bothering people.
I struggle with feeling like an inconvenience, a burden...
It’s hard because I was an athlete, most of my career was security and bodyguard work... so my strength was this young man’s glory...
and now, I can barely control my own steps.
It’s a daily fight...
I don’t think it ever goes away.
I have attempted suicide several times...
Imagine the disappointment in realizing that I couldn’t even kill myself right...
It’s beyond depressing.
It’s this welled up feeling like the darkness is laughing at me:
“You’re such a failure that you can’t even end your own life!”
Every moment of every day, is a constant choice to live.
A choice To create.
A choice to do something that matters... and if all else fails...
I just breathe...
I survive and do my best to make it to tomorrow... and then, I try again.
I spent the first years hating everything and everyone who said they “had my back” and when things got hard...
When I was no longer an asset...
I was cast aside like a tool that can no longer perform its duties.
I get your pain in watching all you’ve worked for.. everything you built... fade.
Allowing myself to grieve who I was before diagnosis was a necessary step for me...
I had to just reevaluate my current situation and approach it like I would any other problem in life pre diagnosis...
Because wishing to be who I was... only made things worse for this version of me now.
I had to allow myself to grieve and then I had to force myself to not stay there.
It’s too easy to get sucked into the darkness, the self loathing.
But you have to let yourself know.:
-It’s ok to be down.
-It’s ok to visit the dark...
-It’s ok to cry, whatever...
But just don’t stay there...
That’s the important part..
We’re going to have dark days, bad days, but we need to create our own good days, good hours, good minutes.
So it’s ok to be down and in the dark...
But don’t stay there.
I’m not saying you’re going to be happy and it’s gonna be fine, because it isn’t...
Just don’t stay in the dark, even if you have to crawl just far enough to let the light touch your fingertips...
You didn’t stay in the dark.
And THAT is a win.
KTupua
November 2020