Fractured Feelings
Fractured Feelings
I find myself feeling fractured and broken.
More and more each day.
I see the cracks in my life day by day.
I miss my mom.
I don’t look forward to or enjoy anything anymore.
I was spiraling before mom passed, but now…
I feel out of control.
I don’t want to create, I don’t want to make jewelry, I don’t want to eat.
I don’t want to watch movies, play games, or go anywhere.
I want to hide in the dark and die and I’m disappointed everyday that I wake back up and I didn’t die the previous night in the dark.
I hate myself.
I hate what I look like, how I feel and what I am.
All I do is lay there, hoping to die or at least to sleep and I can’t even do that unless I’m absolutely exhausted.
Everything hurts.
Everyone is annoying.
Everywhere is uncomfortable.
I feel like I belong even less than I did before when I was just suicidal.
I look forward to nothing.
I don’t believe anyone when they tell me good things or compliment me. I’m sorry for the rant…
I don’t know who I can talk to. I’ve needed someone who will keep these thoughts private and wouldn’t judge me or put me on suicide watch or tell me useless things to do like “pray about it”.
I feel like all the things I’m doing…
not eating, not sleeping, not cleaning, not creating…
it’s all things that mom would check on me for to make sure I’m doing that particular thing…
it’s like I’m subconsciously trying to wake up from this dream I’m having where she’s gone and any minute she’ll knock on my bedroom door or call me or video chat to check on me to make sure I’m awake, eating and going to create something 💔😔
But she never shows up and I must still be in this nightmare where my mom is gone and I’m so damn sad
I’m so tired of being broken.
I’m so tired of hurting.
I’m so tired of not even being able to do a fraction of what I used to be able to…
I am so tired.
Tired of all this… what’s the use of living if it isn’t a quality of life?
KTUPUA
October 2021